As some of you may remember, 3 years ago, I challenged myself to undergo a major physical transformation.
I’d never needed to before, yet was in the business of assisting others to do so themselves. I wanted to better understand what one goes through in the process, so I could be more effective in my service to others, gaining a greater appreciation for the mental and emotional sides that go with it. No physical transformation is purely physical. While I didn’t need to lose weight, I needed to pick a goal that reflected the process (which for many is losing weight).
So I picked a challenging goal that I was previously un-motivated to achieve (packing on muscle mass) and threw my eating pattern of a decade on it’s head.
I gave myself a year to see where I would get. I was very focused, systematically putting the pieces in place. In the first 6 months I gained 16 lbs (after having fallen very ill) to bring myself back up to my normal, default “base point” of 170 lbs. Then it was on to the other 20lbs (the difficult ones) to hit 190. It was a few more months without any change, until I then created the Clubbell Mass Evolution (the program which sprung from this year long journey). By the end of that 3 months I put on 10 more pounds of muscle topping off at 180 lbs. Within 4 months after that I was up at 188, while having leaned out more.
So I more or less achieved the goal, on both fronts.
I put on more muscle mass then I ever had before and certainly felt I had gained (pun intended) going through this process. I had a much better appreciation for and understanding of the challenges many of us face along the way, the obstacles we must overcome. I felt like I got all I was to receive from this particular experience. Little did I know there was one more “lesson” to come.
Without a doubt, the most important.
In the year and a half that followed, I stopped the active focus on trying to keep or build more muscle mass. But I never dropped below 180 lbs, usually hanging in around 182-185, while still maintaining my high level of fitness. It was interesting for me to see my “base point” change to a whole 10 lbs heavier than the one I’d had most of my adult life.
It wasn’t until this summer, however, that I was struck with the significance of what that weight represented. I decided that the most recent round of Clubbell Mass Evolution with the Train With Shane initiative, I wouldn’t try to gain muscle mass (or eat to make it happen). I just wanted to enjoy the training for the sake of the training without focusing on packing on muscle.
In that moment I felt a huge weight lift off my shoulders! A weight I didn’t even know I was carrying. Despite LITERALLY carrying more weight. I couldn’t believe it. For the last couple years (after already achieving what I wanted from undergoing the initial challenge) , I’d been concerned about my weight. About keeping it on and a level of pressure to do so. Not because I was trying to prove that the program worked. Rather I came to recognize, like a solid smack across the face, it was because I unconsciously felt that if I lost that muscle mass, I would be seen as less by my peers. That those who I valued, would not value me if I dropped back down to my “normal” range.
“But I have amazing peers who wouldn’t value me less if I didn’t keep this muscle, this weight, on. Totally irrational.” The reasoning doesn’t have to be rational. It’s the reality of what we feel and the extent to which we allow that perception to hold power over us.
And this was the kicker for me. I’ve always understood the excess weight we carry (as it relates to fat and being overweight) to be a physical reflection of the protective layer we build between us and that which we feel under attack from. I’m not saying that it’s not also related to what we eat and our level of activity. Yes that’s part of it. But I’m speaking to the WHOLE picture here. It’s not just about protecting ourselves though. This new light shed upon the issue for me, takes it to a new depth. There was some sense that if I went to my “normal range”, when health, fitness and well-being are all in place, I might be valued as less. The hardest thing about that is when I’m at my normal range, I’m “naked”. There are no fancy trimmings or fixings, no veils or costumes. This is who I am. And what if who I am is not good enough? What then?
That is an immensely scary scenario to identify with. To be stripped down to the essence of ourselves, with nowhere else to go and still not having any value. Not having anything of worth to offer the world. No reason for being here or living this life.
By being overweight however, we always have something to blame (the fat, the weight, we carry) as the source of being of less value. And it is one of the reasons we hang on to it. Because the potential alternative is too scary.
I was literally wrapping this post up at this juncture when “DING! You’ve Got Mail!” I received an email that rocked me a bit. When I read what I’m about to share with you, I felt my heart cry out. It cried out for this incredible human being, this amazing, radiant soul who I know personally to have such incredible value, that they should even have thought this:
“Failing, like I said, was easier than succeeding. And though there is fear in failing, going for something and succeeding was so much scarier. What if the things you thought would be better in life aren’t? What if you aren’t prettier if you just lose some weight like you’ve been told? What if you still can’t find someone to love you even if you are thinner? What if you can’t still love you then?
At least fat, you can blame that. If that all exists when you’re thin then it’s because you suck and not because you’re fat. I hate sucking. It sucks…for lack of a better word.”
Whether trying to pack on a bunch of muscle or being overweight, the dilemma of connecting to YOUR INHERENT VALUE remains the same. It will be a struggle we continue to wrestle with on some level for the rest of our lives, coming back in different forms as we move through life’s various stages. So why do it expending precious time and energy (packing on and maintaining more muscle mass than is natural for your body type) or insulating and numbing yourself (holding on to the fat)?!
You do not need to carry this extra weight. You don’t need to make it harder. It’s hard enough as it is.
You do not need the armour. You do not need the cage.
While a little more “chilly”, a little more vulnerable, getting naked down to the essence of you also leaves you open. Open to receive, open to give… open to burst forth as you are meant to.
Dare to discover the IMMENSE, unique value just waiting to be unleashed…
Dare To Evolve,
Shane.
